Jokes for Baby Boomers

A few funny stories about what Baby Boomers like us are dealing with these days:

The Hokey Pokey:  With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person which almost went unnoticed last week.
Larry La Prise, the man who wrote “The Hokey Pokey,” died peacefully at age 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.

Senility Virus:  God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference. 

Now that I’m ‘older’ (but refuse to grow up), here’s what I’ve discovered:
1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.
3. I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.
4. Funny, I don’t remember being absent minded…
5. Funny, I don’t remember being absent minded…
6. All reports are in; life is now officially unfair.
7. If all is not lost, where is it?
8. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
9. Funny, I don’t remember being absent minded…
10. Some days you’re the dog; some days you’re the hydrant.
11. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few…
12. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
13. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
14. Funny, I don’t remember being absent minded…
15. It’s hard to make a come back when you haven’t been anywhere.
16. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you’re in the bathroom.
17. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
18. When I’m finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?
19. Funny, I don’t remember being absent minded…
20. It’s not hard to meet expenses… they’re everywhere.
21. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
22. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter… I go somewhere to get something and then wonder        what I’m here after.
23. I AM UNABLE TO REMEMBER IF I HAVE SENT THIS TO YOU OR NOT!
24. Funny, I don’t remember being . . . . . absent minded…

Grandma Shoes 

When I was very little
All the Grandmas that I knew
All walked around this world
In ugly grandma shoes.

You know the ones I speak of,
Those black clunky heeled kind,
They just looked so very awful
That it weighed upon my mind,

For I knew, when I grew old
I’d have to wear those shoes,
I’d think of that, from time to time
It seemed like such bad news.

I never was a rebel,
I wore saddle shoes to school,
And next came ballerinas
Then the sandals, pretty cool.

And then came spikes with pointed toes
Then platforms, very tall,
As each new fashion came along
I wore them, one and all.

But always, in the distance,
Looming in my future, there,
Was that awful pair of ugly shoes,
The kind that Grandmas wear.

I eventually got married
And then I became a Mom
Our kids grew up and left,
And when their children came along,

I knew I was a Grandma
And the time was drawing near
When those clunky, black, old lace up shoes
Was what I’d have to wear.

How would I do my gardening
Or take my morning hike?
I couldn’t even think about
How I would ride my bike!

But fashions kept evolving
And one day I realized
That the shape of things to come
Was changing, right before my eyes.

And now, when I go shopping
What I see, fills me with glee
For, in my jeans and Reeboks
I’m as comfy as can be.

And I look at all these teenage girls
And there, upon their feet
Are clunky, black, old Grandma shoes,
And they really think they’re neat.

~Author Unknown~

Remembering Names:  When I was introduced to a couple visiting our congregation, I decided to remember their names by noting they were the same as those of two characters in a popular children’s story.
After the services I stopped to talk to them, and as they were saying goodbye I teased, “Be careful going up that hill!  But you must get that all the time.”
They smiled politely but said nothing.  After they left, my husband asked, “What was that all about?”
“Jack and Jill.  Up the hill.  Remember?” I said.
“Yes, but what does that have to do with,” he pointed to the couple, “Dick and Jane?”

A Trip to the Dentist:  Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking.. surely I cannot look that old? If so, you may enjoy this story…
While waiting for my first appointment in the reception room of a new dentist, I noticed his certificate, which bore his full name.  Suddenly, I remembered that a tall, handsome boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 30 years ago.  Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought.  This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.  After he had examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended the local high school.  Yes,” he replied.  When did you graduate?” I asked.  He answered, “In 1971. Why?”  You were in my class!” I exclaimed.  He looked at me closely and then asked, “What did you teach?

Menopause Jewelry:  My husband, not happy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.  We’ve discovered that when I’m in a good mood, it turns green.  When I’m in a bad mood, it leaves a big red mark on his forehead.  Maybe next time he’ll buy me a diamond.
Revised 60’s Hits: Some of the artists from the ’60s are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate the aging baby boomers.  

This is good news for those feeling a little older and missing those great old tunes . . 

Herman’s Hermits
MRS. BROWN, YOU’VE GOT A LOVELY WALKER”
The Bee Gees
“HOW CAN YOU MEND A BROKEN HIP”
Bobby Darin
“SPLISH, SPLASH, I WAS HAVIN’ A FLASH”
Ringo Starr
“I GET BY WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM DEPENDS”
Roberta Flack
“THE FIRST TIME EVER I FORGOT YOUR FACE”
Johnny Nash
“I CAN’T SEE CLEARLY NOW”
Paul Simon
“FIFTY WAYS TO LOSE YOUR LIVER”
Commodores
“ONCE, TWICE, THREE TIMES TO THE BATHROOM”
Marvin Gaye
“I HEARD IT THROUGH THE GRAPE NUTS”
Procol Harem
“A WHITER SHADE OF HAIR”
Leo Sayer
“YOU MAKE ME FEEL LIKE NAPPING”
The Temptations
“PAPA’S GOT A KIDNEY STONE”
ABBA
“DENTURE QUEEN”

MICHIGAN MEMORIES You might live in Michigan if:
1.  You consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through 18 inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping the food will swim by.
2.  If you are proud that your region makes the national news 96 nights each year because the town of Pelston is the coldest spot in the nation.
3.  If your local Dairy Queen store is closed from November through April.
4.  If you instinctively walk like a penguin for five months out of the year.
5.  If someone in a store offers you assistance and they do not work there.
6.  If your dads suntan stops at a line curving around the middle of his forehead.
7.  If you have worn shorts and a parka at the same time.
8.  If your town has an equal number of bars and churches.
9.  If you have a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number.

You know you are a true Michigander when:
1.  Vacation means going up north on I-75 for the weekend.
2.  You measure distance in hours.
3.  You know several people who have hit a deer more than once.
4.  You often switch from “heat” to “ac” in the same day and back again.
5.  You can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow in a raging blizzard without flinching.
6.  You see people wearing camouflage at social events (including weddings).
7.  You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.
8.  You carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend knows how to use them.
9.  You design your kids Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
10. Driving is better in winter because the potholes are filled with snow.
11. You know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction.
12. You can identify a southern, eastern, Indiananan, Ohioan and Wisconsonian accent.
13. Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a deer next to your blue spruce.
14. You were unaware that there is a legal drinking age.
15. Down south to you means Toledo.
16. A brat is something you eat.
17. Your neighbor throws a party to celebrate his new pole shed.
18. You go out to fish fry every Friday.
19. Your 4th of July picnic was moved indoors due to frost.
20. You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.
21. You find 0 degrees “a little chilly”.
22. You think Alkaline batteries were named for a Tiger outfielder.
23. Owning a foreign car was a hanging offense in your town.
24. The Big Mac is something you drive across.
25. You bake with soda and drink pop.
26. You know how to pronounce “Mackinac”.
27. The word “thumb” has a geographical rather than anatomical meaning.
28. You have experienced frostbite and sunburn in the same week.
29. You expect Vernors when you order ginger ale.
30. Your favorite holidays are Christmas, Thanksgiving and Opening Day.
31. You know “Opening Day” means deer season.
32. At least one person in your family disowns you during the Michigan – Michigan State football game.
33. Traveling coast-to-coast means driving from Port Huron to Muskegon.
34. Half the change is your pocket is Canadian.
35. You show people where you grew up by pointing to a spot on the back of your left hand.
36. Your definition of a small town is one that doesn’t have a lake.
37. At least half your relatives work for the auto industry.
38. Snow tires come standard on all your cars.
39. You know “studs” and “chains” are for your car.
40. Fudge and bicycles remind you of your honeymoon.
41. You can name all five Great Lakes and point to their location around your hand.
42. You know Pontiac and Cadillac are cities.
43. You can actually pronounce “Ypsilanti”.
44. You actually understand these jokes and you share them with all your Michigan friends and relatives.